LOVE & BLESSINGS TO YOU!
Using Humor to Bring Awareness to Living with a Terminal Cancer Diagnosis
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MY STORY
A SIMPLE PAIN BECOMES SERIOUS
I was suffering trying to live through pain I was experiencing in my leg giving me trouble sitting up or being in a comfortable position. It was affecting work and life all around. Being the stubborn woman I am, I chalked it up to it being sciatica or a strained muscle from my training in boxing. After much hesitation, I went to the Emergency Room and found I had a life threatening DVT and a massive amount of blood clots peppered throughout my lungs.
SERIOUS BECOMES LIFE THREATENING
I was put on a heavy regimen of blood thinners that led to another hospital visit. I started to experience rectal bleeding, and the pain became so debilitating. I was unable to sleep or function properly. They found a large, grapefruit sized mass growing in my rectum where my rectum and colon meet. Shocked by this discovery, I was still in denial about what it could possibly mean. Soon after, I was diagnosed with Stage 3C Colorectal Cancer. Being someone who never had the need to see a doctor, I was without insurance, running a marketing business with my fiancé for our livelihood and overwrought with stress about how I would possibly receive treatment. We quickly ran through our savings in the beginning stages trying to keep up with the tests I needed. I had an accident in boxing that caused excessive internal bleeding that made me faint and lose consciousness earning me another visit to the hospital and getting admitted again.
THE FINAL DIAGNOSIS
Being on blood thinners with a bleeding mass, the hospital decided to run some more tests and ordered my tissue samples taken by the previous hospital. The bad dream turned into a nightmare. I was diagnosed with Metastatic Primary Peritoneal cancer, a terminal cancer in its late stage; and Lynch Syndrome.. We learned it started in my endometrium and mucosal lining, made its way to my colon and rectum, 2 nearby lymph nodes, and my omentum. Tests later showed its presence in my cervix, fallopian tubes, and uterus. The physical manifestation of the disease meant I was in the later stage with the possibility to make it only 5 months. My Oncology team was certain we'd be able to reach technical remission through surgery and heavy doses of Carboplatin, Taxol, and Avastin weekly, so I obliged to their recommendations in the hopes of being able to enjoy life a bit longer.
SURGERY TIME-PRE-TREATMENT
I was upset to learn I'd be losing all of my reproductive organs. Because of this, I'd experience surgical menopause at the age of 39. I was cut open from my navel down to my pelvis. My Oncologist performed debulking and explorative surgery, excised part of my omentum, removed 2 lymph nodes, half of my rectum, and tumor, and finally resected my colon creating the need for an external pouch for evacuation of the bowels.
RECOVERY-PRE-TREATMENT
I was sent home to recover after 5 days in the hospital. Being the jester I am, I nicknamed my stoma my "Stomach Butthole". I was learning to deal with something affixed to my belly 24/7 while regaining the strength I needed to start chemotherapy. In this time, I don't think I fully had a grasp on what was to come. I was being confronted with the possibility of leaving this world behind. I couldn't believe how after taking a stand for my physical and mental health, going down my spiritual path finding the will to conquer my inner demons, and being sober for 28 months, I had yet another obstacle to conquer. I'm a fighter so it was something I knew I was well equipped to handle. I wasn't going to give up without a fight.
GOING THROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY
The journey through chemotherapy began. Sometimes I was so weak and immobile. It was very taxing and humbling for someone who's always been stubbornly independent by nature. There were weeks I had to receive special injections to force my body to make white blood cells. The chemo was fighting the cancer cells while attacking my body at the same time. I felt like I was being stripped of my identity. Not just physically, but mentally. My fiancé stood by my side while having many sleepless nights being by my side around the clock. He was my biggest cheerleader, On my down days, he wouldn't allow me to wallow in self pity. He'd remind me of the strong woman I have always been. I always found hope in him and knowing I was going to survive and come out of this better and stronger.
I SURVIVED
After months of chemotherapy and multiple visits to the hospital, I was scheduled for my first PET SCAN and I got to hear the magical phrase, "You are in technical remission without active disease." The fight we'd been battling together brought light into our lives. The long days and nights in the hospital, having to get a port placed directly to one of the main veins because mine weren't accessible, the long bouts of sickness and side effects, the worrying, the collapse of the business we built, and ultimately losing our home was worth hearing these words. I was then set up to reverse my resection so I'd have a normal functioning butthole. It was decided the doctor would go back in the same large incision for more exploratory surgery while reconnecting my colon to my hibernating rectum.
COLON REMOVAL, HEALING & SURVEILLANCE
7 months following my reversal surgery, I was scheduled for prophylactic surgery to remove my entire large intestine due to my Lynch Syndrome diagnosis. During this time, we were still learning what direction life was taking us and how we'd rebuild. I was getting my strength back and learning what the new normal meant for me, while being grateful for the longer spans of time I got to experience without the disease relapsing. After the successful removal of my large intestine, I had another PET scan meeting the 1 year anniversary of inactive disease.
LIVING WITH A PURPOSE
I am blessed to announce I'm 1 year and 6 months without relapse of active cancer. I also just celebrated 4 years of active sobriety on May 13, 2023. I am so grateful to be here and try to use my story to bring awareness while inspiring others. If you don't take the time to BE HEALTHY, you will make the time to be sick. I choose not to waste the precious moments of my life with the fear and anxiety of when it might return. Life is drastically different and I view everything through a different lens. I made these bracelets because I tend to err on the side of the unconventional with my rambunctious humor. Yes, they are quite the crude piece, but it catches your attention... the same way Cancer grabbed mine. These bracelets serve as a reminder to check the parts of your bodies people tend to get uncomfortable talking about. You may get a sideways glare, but in most cases a chuckle, and in that moment I find the opportunity to share my story to hopefully influence others to take part in their health. Health is THE wealth. It is what keeps you here and alive to experience more of what the world has to offer.
A WALK IN MY SHOES
I don’t think anyone truly begins to have an overview of their life until they find themselves in a moment of distress. You know the moment. When your tears have run completely dry, you’re tired of crying and questioning God about why everything in life happens. When you don’t know why you haven’t received the clarity you’ve been begging for. You begin to question the purpose of why you were even brought into existence and why you cross paths with the people in your life. You aren’t really sure of why the cycles repeat. You find yourself living on a natural high until it’s not high anymore and the ceiling reverts back to the floor where you’re down on your knees praying for the suffering to end. I’ve found myself in this place more times than I can count. I’ve had my moments of weakness where it felt so unbearable, I’d rather just end it all and pray for the best outcome my next journey back on Earth. I used to not believe in miracles. It just seemed so far fetched to me that something out there was the puppeteer and sometimes you were stuck with what was decided. Strife or miracles. Being on the path of self discovery reveals so much to you. You begin to see the world through a different lens. A lens you aren’t sure who it belongs to because you’ve been so programmed to believe lack just happens to be a part a life. It doesn’t have to be. Life doesn’t have to be lack. This journey to Earth, I apparently planned to see how much of a Warrior I could be. I’ve struggled to feel whole through most of my experiences but with each, a little more awareness sets in. I now look at life with the question, “What clue was I leaving behind? What conditioning did I assign to this experience for the breakthrough?” Growing up, it was hard to ever feel something was missing in my life. I was fortunate enough to have a Mother who made our struggle feel like a theme park. Everything we lacked materially, was replaced with gratitude. She prayed a lot. When we’d find ourselves sitting at home by candlelight with milk jugs of water outside to drink, and cooking our food on a grill outdoors, we never thought of what was missing or how hard it must’ve been for a Mother to not have the financial means we needed to survive. We were all excited because she’d let us pitch a tent in the backyard so we could congregate telling ghost stories occasionally exiting to roast marshmallows on our makeshift stove. She taught us to see the best in what we had. Going without meant a fun camping trip where we could really connect with each other without distractions. I wish I knew what went through my Mom’s mind in those moments. Being an adult now, breaks my heart to think what she might’ve struggled with inside. When she couldn’t afford to buy us all clothes, I remember late nights spent on her sewing machine making sure we’d have something new to us. She made everything with the love and pride she had in her heart for her children even though she struggled through the trauma and pain of her own experiences. She loved us and this is where I learned how powerful and mystical this one word could be. Of course I lost sight of it moving through life, but I think it was the path a I chose. I experienced it before life became this path of insanity so I could keep hope alive that it did in fact exist. It was one of the clues I left behind so I could journey my way back to coming face to face with my Highest Self again.